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Sep. 5th, 2016

(no subject)

well that escalated.

what was meant to be a cheese platter and quiet wine became 4 bottles and blank spots.

I walked back to his place, and he invited me in, or at least I think he did. maybe I invited myself in.

We stayed up, watched Darlene Love and share the joy of motown.

His 1000tc sheets were divine, and luscious, and certain I'd overstepped the mark, I wasn't expecting to hear from him again.

Not more than 40 minutes after leaving in the light of day, did I receive his word.

Maybe I'm not such an embarrassing drunk after all.

Aug. 28th, 2016

serendipity

We sipped wine through the Adelaide Hills. Stopping at a reputable spot for lunch. Given they had all flown in for 24 hours for the sake of a reunion, I took it upon myself to buy lunch.
While waiting for the waitress, I was mistaken for she by a handsome gentleman in uniform. After redirecting his request we kept talking for a little while before I returned to our table to declare "I clearly have a type".

My friend always tells me to look good for a flight, you'll never know who you sit next to.

With 2 hours of sleep on the back of a chaotic week I was lucky to even get dressed for the flight let alone look good for it.

Of all the days for aforementioned handsome gentleman to cross my path again, or rather share it - for the entire duration of the flight.

We immediately recognised each other and struck up a conversation which lasted until the very moment we got off the plane.

Who knows what happens next.

Aug. 18th, 2016

ghost

The beard was new.
I miss the perfect line of his jaw, and the smile that touches his cheek bones.

I hadn't seen him for some time now. So long, that we'd even forgotten the last time we saw each other.

Behind his eyes, there is unspoken love that I cannot deny, and I'm sure he sees it in mine.

And we spoke with excitement of the house they have bought together, the art they will display on the vast walls of their "home".

And I'm happy for my best friend all the while being bitterly sad.

Aug. 17th, 2016

Swiss cheese

Walking into the corridor I almost collided with the boss.

"Oh, great, I have a job for you"

"Uh huh?"

I was whisked away to a room to discuss my involvement in the cheese, and why this Swiss had holes that lined up.

"Well, you're our technical expert"

Me? A technical expert? Never before had I been so flattered. And as little as I desire another 'to do' their flattery worked well to get me to agree.

Still no good at saying "No".

(no subject)

How do you choose which friend to betray?

I remember the scenario very clearly.

I chose an open disclosure of information filtered to me, consequently, compromising my source.

The ramifications for me were few, but for the source continues to have repercussions

I thought at the time, that honestly divulging all that was being said might highlight the errors of judgement and save their marriages.

It seems that all I did was create hurt and conflict between two relatively separate parties.

I can't change it now, but oh how I wish I could.
Saying sorry just doesn't seem to cut it.

Aug. 12th, 2016

Thank you Paulo Coelho, Thank you Bob Dylan

Closing cycles, not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because it no longer fits my life.

Things pass, its time to let them really go away.

The manifestation of my invisible world, what is going on in my heart - remains stagnant and closed to the opportunity of the person I really am.

And with the flicker, the exhale, the long slow sigh I release them and detach myself from all that remains unanswered.

I'm finishing this chapter now - so a new one can begin. Nothing is irreplaceable, I lived without that need, and so now, I begin living again, no less than I was before. But wiser, stronger.... resilient.

It's no use to sit and wonder why - it'll never do somehow.
I wish there was something that could be said or done, but there isn't too much talking going on.
I'm done wasting my precious time.

Don't think twice Sarah, it's all right.

Aug. 8th, 2016

(no subject)

If I'm honest, there was a moment of doubt that crossed my mind.
It felt a little tight, and the position wasn't right, but I decided to back myself.
I had met her not even 24 hour prior, and in that time, and despite our differing languages, I had gained her trust and she agreed with whatever I recommended.

Initially fearful she wouldn't be able to cope with the examination, she laboured without any pain relief, only with the support of her husband and close friend.

And so when time came for intervention my options were limited.

My cheeks red, and my contingency plan alarming in the back of my mind, the baby was born with a welcoming cry, and I was relieved that my judgement was right.

Until, the paediatrician cast doubt, with concerns regarding complications.

The rest of the night was then was spent second guessing, anxious and frustrated. Playing out that scenario over and over again.

My faithful midwives had no doubt I did the right thing, and reassured me of such - reassurance falling on deaf ears.

The only person I wanted to call - I couldn't.
The absence made even more present with discussion of their home country, now his home country.

It a rewarding job, but the stakes are high - responsible for the condition in which their beloved child enters the world. Responsible for the potential damage that child might be reminded of for the rest of their life.

And so, a weight lifted when a trusted face, a skilful neonatal practitioner reassured me that there was absolutely no concern and the overnight anxious paediatrician ordered multiple unnecessary tests to find absolutely nothing wrong.

Slowly, I think I'm becoming it.

Aug. 1st, 2016

arhimedes'

The upward buoyant force that is exerted on a body immersed in a fluid is equal to the weight of the fluid that the body displaces and it acts in the upward direction at the centre of mass of the displaced fluid.

These girls - my upward force.

the force that keeps me afloat.

Floating in familiarity, friendship and the faithfulness of their love I find that I am whole again, without having to exert any force in the effort of becoming so.

Jul. 24th, 2016

Active now

I can't help but wonder who he's talking to, and why they are more trustworthy than I am.

Jul. 22nd, 2016

Family

Often, I am asked if I should return to my "home" state.

Without hesitation I rebuke such an idea - but this is my home now and I'm met with a smile of acceptance.

And I know it to be true.

She asked this morning if I've heard, and it was the first time I'd openly admitted I asked him not to call. The radio silence, while I know it was my request, I painted it to be his idea.. well an agreed mutual idea.

It's true, no break-up is mutual, it's a consolation prize so one person doesn't feel like the loser. Its my consolation prize to help me feel a little stronger.

And so without any frills, and nothing to hold back and tell her everything, with everyone listening - because they are all family and they are the ones who remind me I am not alone even though his absence creates a melancholy loneliness.

I admit my flaws, my desperation and my clinging to hope. And she just nods, and understands with a gentle reassurance that the loneliness will be chased out by company.

I'm kidding myself if I don't admit I'm longing for the day he returns home. Kidding myself that I don't hope the radio silence is just as deafeningly loud for him. Kidding myself that I will ever stop loving him.

I should guard my secrets a little closely, because they're all on my side, and I know, if the day comes that he could return to me, he's going to have to work hard to prove to them he's worthy of joining my family.

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